Top 10 Reasons Women Think Their Husbands Stop Having Sex

To feel that the man you live with and love no longer desires you is confusing and painful. You may blame yourself, and think, "I'm no longer attractive to him," or "I'm overweight." You may blame him, convincing yourself, "He's too tired," or believing, "He watches too much online porn."

When we began researching and writing "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore," we had some preconceived notions of what a woman would be most likely to believe (or know for certain) if her husband stopped being intimate with her. But after reviewing the data and doing hundreds of follow-up online interviews, we learned that a number of those preconceived notions were incorrect. For example, the vast majority of these women did not suspect an affair, or think their spouses were gay. We thought they might.

The reasons mentioned below come from our online survey of more than 4000 people (67 percent female) who self-identified as being in a sexless relationship where the man was the one who chose to opt out of intimacy. All responses were numerically coded to ensure anonymity. In the first part of the survey we asked the women to rate a list of 22 possible reasons why they thought their partners had stopped being sexual, on a scale that went from "strongly agree" to "strongly disagree." Most women agreed with more than one answer. However, it is interesting to note that 66 percent agreed with, "He lost interest and I don't know why," which indicates that they aren't talking about this with their partners. Clearly, this is a difficult conversation to have, but it is also one of the most important things a couple can do.

We mentioned last week that it is our great hope that this book will enable people to begin a dialogue, because until couples start to speak to one another with compassion and listen to one another without judgment, these or any other marital issues may not only never be solved, they may spiral irrevocably out of control. It would probably be a good idea to consider the material in this book even if everything in the intimate part of your marriage is wonderful, as a kind of insurance policy that it remains that way, or for suggestions about how to discuss any sensitive issues with tact.

Following are the top 10 reasons why our female respondents believed that their spouses were no longer intimate.

Top 10 Reasons

1. I don't know why.

2. He's depressed.
3. He's angry at me.
4. He's too tired.
5. He no longer finds me physically attractive.
6. He suffers from erectile dysfunction.
7. I'm depressed.
8. He's bored.
9. I have gained a significant amount of weight.

10. He prefers to watch pornography online.