Talking Sex With Teens

It is natural to have concerns about how your son or daughter will handle or be affected by sexual matters. Parents and teenagers can find it difficult to talk to each other at the best of times, but especially so when talking on an emotional topic like sex.

Most parents have the best of intentions and want to prepare their children for healthy sexual relations but it can be uncomfortable when we feel embarrassed, or our teenagers do not want to talk because they feel self-conscious or confused.

We can be faced with many sexual issues that weren’t talked about in our youth. We may feel our values are not the same as those of other people. One of the best things you can do is to make sure your child has accurate and honest information.

Why talk about sex?

• Today’s society forces our children at an early age to be sexually aware, whether we like it or not. We cannot protect them from it but we can help by giving them information and support.

• Parents who do not talk to teenagers about sexuality can put their children at risk by keeping knowledge and helpful information from them, or leaving them open to the misinformation of others, especially people their own age.

• Just as children need to have good knowledge and skills for playing sport, studying at school, and road safety, they need to have good sexual education.

Ideally, talking about sex should start when children are very young and be done in an easy and comfortable way so that sex is seen as a normal part of life - not something to be laughed at or be ashamed of.

• Answer questions as they come up.

• If you don’t know the answer, find out, maybe together.

Sex education of teenagers is much trickier than that of younger children. The age and maturity of your child will make a difference as to how you tackle the subject. Most young people will have a lot of knowledge from a variety of sources.

Teenagers have to come to terms with their developing sexuality and it is helpful if you support your children’s sexuality as they develop.

Sometimes we don’t know what our teenagers really think about sex, what their attitudes are or what they are up to. Often they don’t know what they think they know.

If you find it too difficult to talk with your teenager there are books, articles or videos, youth websites and hotlines that can help. You could suggest someone you both trust as a good person for your son or daughter to talk with. Give the message that you believe it is important and you are trying to do the best for them.

Teenagers can be quite embarrassed by parents’ openness and their efforts to help them, however well-meaning. They might say they don’t want to talk about sex or put up a barrier, eg "I know it all". Leave well enough alone and tackle it another day.

Having a good relationship with your teenager makes for much easier discussion.

Values and attitudes

Each of us has our own values and personal beliefs about what we hope for our children and how we would like them to behave in their teenage years. Values and attitudes about many things are passed on easily and powerfully through our words and by our actions. Values about sex are learned in this way too.

• Children quickly pick up what is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in their parents’ eyes. This means that they will probably have found out how you feel about behaviours, eg nudity, masturbation, sex play and the use of sexual language.

• By the time children have reached their teens they will have many ideas about sex, both from their family and from the outside world.

• The influences outside your home through the media, films, magazines and friends can be very powerful and can often be different from your own family values.

• Parents may have different expectations and attitudes from one another too.

Teenagers are juggling all these different views and trying to find their own position. This can take a number of years and their values and attitudes could change in this time.

• It is important to be open and clear about what you think and why.

• It’s also important that the information you give is accurate.

What do teenagers need to know?

• It is important for teenagers to know that sexually healthy people of any age:

• understand that emotions and relationships are as important as the physical acts

• think about what’s involved in a relationship and a sexual partnership before making any decisions about sex

• know what their own values are about sex

• feel good about their sexuality and themselves

• do not feel afraid, ashamed or guilty

• have a good understanding of such things as body parts, how the body works, sexual diseases

• be comfortable with their values about birth control

• know when, where and why it is important to get medical advice

• be aware of ‘safe sex’ practices

• know that they don’t have to put up with abusive behaviour

• feel confident to say "No"

• know what the law says about when a person can legally have a sexual relationship.

Teenagers with physical or intellectual disabilities need sex education just as much as any other teenager. They could be more likely to be taken advantage of. Some may need more patience, repetition of information and time to understand.

What parents can do

Know yourself

• What you think and feel will have a strong influence on how you respond to your teenager’s behaviour. Your own experiences as a child and an adult, what your parents said and did, your religious beliefs, your feelings and your cultural background, all make a difference as to how you cope with this part of your teenager’s life. Old memories and feelings may come flooding back ... fears, joys or painful memories can make it easier or more difficult to be a supportive parent.

• What do you think about masturbation, homosexuality, rape, abortion, sex outside of marriage? Don’t let your problems become your child’s problems.

Be prepared for your child's sexuality

• See your teenager’s sexuality as part of her journey into adulthood.

• Recognise that her questioning is part of becoming independent.

• Make your personal views clear but be willing to listen to her views and feelings.

Teenagers who feel they have their parents’ support are more able to cope with the pressures of sexual relationships as they become adults.

Are you 'askable'?

• An enormous amount of sex education happens without parents’ input - in the locker room, at parties, through graffiti and jokes, movies and television. Often it is sensational, incorrect or in a distorted form.

• Your teenager needs a balance to put to these ideas and images. You should be that balance.

• If you are not easy to approach, your teenager may rely on friends or other sources and get the wrong information.

Your teenager is more likely to feel okay talking to you about these matters if you have a relaxed attitude and are not easily ‘shockable’ and don’t lecture him.

Highlight the relationship angle

• So much is made of getting the ‘facts’ across to young people that it is easy to forget about the emotional side of sex which is such an important part of the relationship between two people. When we show consideration for the feelings of others and respect their views we find that getting along with them is so much easier and more enjoyable.

• Raising children to value and respect themselves and their bodies lays a foundation for good relationships and a healthy sex life.

Teach sexual responsibility

• Parents can convey very important sexual messages to teenagers apart from talking about ‘making babies’. You have an enormous influence on how your teenager treats others. If you show that sex is never a weapon to be used against anyone and that the emotional side to sex is just as important as the physical side, you are likely to raise children who act responsibly and sensitively.

• Some families can encourage the ‘double standard’ by giving the impression that it’s okay for boys to have sex but not girls. This can be passed on in jokes or stories. Boys benefit from the same information about sexual responsibility as girls do. Boys and girls need to learn that sexual responsibility is a 50-50 deal.

• Having conversations with your teenager about what she believes and what she wants from a relationship is important before she starts dating. Trying to work out what to do in the heat of passion can lead to making a wrong decision.

• As children grow we teach them how to protect themselves from many things. At some point we have to trust in their ability to care for themselves. They will be in situations at some time when they need to make decisions and act for themselves. It is important to be open and clear about what you think and why, but taking a hard line and demanding that your child behaves as you want is unlikely to succeed.

• Have a look at the topic Are you ready for sex to get some ideas about the things teenagers are thinking about.

Give information

• Parents who wait for the right time to talk to children about sex may leave it too late.

• Some parents fear that giving teenagers information will be seen as saying sex is okay. Good information is not dangerous.

• Some teenagers experiment in their early teens and they clearly need accurate information before they do so.

• Adults often try to be helpful but skirt around what they are really trying to say. For example, saying "Make sure you protect yourself" rather than explaining what to do.

• Encourage your teenager to get expert advice when it’s necessary. Offer to go with your teenager but be prepared if she wants to go alone or asks you to wait outside or wants to go with a friend.

Contraception

For different ways of managing contraception, see the topic Contraception.

Make the 'ground' rules clear

• Know what the law says. In South Australia the age of consent to sexual intercourse is 17 years for both males and females. (This means that it is against the law to have sex with someone under 17 years, even if both are under 17.)

• Parents have rules about all sorts of things that happen in a family and often use consequences when the rules are broken. Making hard and fast rules forbidding sex does not necessarily mean your teenager will obey. The consequences in the area of sexuality can be serious. Your teenager who becomes pregnant or gets a sexually transmitted disease is already facing the consequences.

• Be clear about what is acceptable or not acceptable in your home. For example, if your daughter’s boyfriend stays overnight at your home is it okay for him to go into her bedroom? Some parents have decided to allow their teenager to have their boyfriend or girlfriend sleep with them in their home. Other parents will not allow this. If you know your teenager is sleeping with her partner, do you ignore it or do you discuss it?

• Work out the ground rules together at a time when family members are open to talking, not during a fiery incident.

Be sure you are speaking the same language

• Your understanding of the same word may be very different from your teenager’s. Sex to you may mean a range of behaviours, eg cuddling, kissing, fondling, whereas your teenager might hear the same word and think sexual intercourse. Be clear about what you each mean when talking.

• Be prepared to talk and to listen rather than someone dictating how it must be.

Keep yourself informed

• Read books and magazines. Listen to others. Talk to other parents to get fresh ideas about their ways of handling situations. Some teenage ‘soapies’ deal with issues which are important to young people. Sometimes watching them with your teenager can keep you up to date and be a trigger for discussing the topic.

• Many parents fear that once their teenager is an ‘item’ with someone, this will automatically lead to sexual intercourse. While many teenagers engage in some sort of sexual activity, not all have or want to experience sexual intercourse. Most take sex very seriously.

• Be well-informed about sexually transmitted diseases.

Many health issues of interest to young people are available on the Teen Health part of this website.

Be prepared for your own feelings and responses

• Think now about how you will respond to your teenager if he tells you he is having sex. Often mothers and fathers will react quite differently. Often parents react differently to sons than to daughters.

• What will you say? How will you feel? What will you do? Will both parents share the same view? Have you discussed this together?

• Ideally, your teenager needs to talk with both parents, singly or together to get a balanced view.

• You could be so taken up with your own emotions that you regret the way you react. If this happens, say you need time and take it up again after you feel more in control.

Keep the lines of communication open

• Each generation has its own language for sexual matters, including sexual intercourse, so be open to these differences.

• Teenagers can ask questions which puzzle or make statements which shock. Answer questions honestly and if you don’t have the answer say you will find out and get back to them, or help them to find it.

• Try to sense if there is a question behind the question. You could say "You seem bothered about . . . " or "I am wondering what made you ask that . . .?"

Be prepared for different views

• You and your child may have very strong and different views. Try to be tolerant and reasonable and be willing to accept that you may not be able to shift your teenager’s determined position.

• For most parents having a relationship with your child is probably more important in the long run.

Reminders

• Values about sex are passed on easily - how you say things is just as important as what you say.

• Be aware of your attitudes and feelings, but don’t always expect your teenager to share them.

• Talking about sex helps your child to understand sex and the differences between your family values and the values of others.

• Stress the importance of relationships and emotions.

• Teenagers need your understanding and support rather than lectures.

• As your teenager matures he may be embarrassed to ask so be prepared to take the lead.

• If your teenager does not want to talk with you, make sure he has honest and accurate information or someone you trust to talk with about things.