Step-Family
Step-families are very common nowadays. In fact it's been calculated that one in three of us is involved in a step-family situation.
And yet, probably most of us were not brought up in step-families. Furthermore, I doubt if many of us had any ambition to be a step-parent - and we've definitely had no training. Small wonder then that a lot of people today find it difficult to deal with the various issues and pressures that step-family situations can involve.
What actually is a step-family?
Step-families are created when one person who has children marries, or cohabits, again. Of course this can happen after a death, but nowadays it's much more common after divorce, or after the breakdown of a live-in relationship.
Relationship breakdowns
During any split between two co-habiting partners, there is often a lot of trauma and bad feeling. And sometimes the adults concerned are so busy with their own upset and grief, that they don't have much time for their children – or for explaining things to them.
Unfortunately, the youngsters in such situations often feel completely bewildered. They have loyalties to both parents, but they are forcibly removed from one of them. They may also hear very strong criticism of each parent by the other, and yet they're expected to 'be a good boy' or to 'be a nice girl and don't make a fuss'.
Meanwhile, they often feel they don't know exactly what's going on, but that they hate the changes. They also feel quite strongly that they have not asked for all this upset in their lives.
This is a very important point for adults to remember. No matter how difficult life is for the grown-ups in all of this, they should take on board that it can be absolutely terrifying for the children – and mostly that the kids would give anything for the split not to have happened. This is not true for every child of course, but it does seem to be the feeling of the vast majority of them.
How can you make such a break easier for the children?
First of all, try to fully comprehend just how important you and your partner are to your children. You are by far their biggest source of love. And they depend on it. In fact they frequently feel that Mum and Dad are their whole world.
So a split between the two of you is just about the most frightening thing they can imagine. And it's important not to make light of it by saying something like: 'Mummy and Daddy are going to live in new houses. You'll stay with Mummy some of the time and go to Daddy's at weekends and in the holidays. It's all going to be great fun and you can have a bicycle and a computer in both houses.'
Of course, the new family set-up may be great fun – eventually. But putting this kind of gloss on a situation that is breaking a child's heart is irresponsible, and far too glib.
So both of you should talk to your children. And you should also reassure them that you both love them hugely - and that you will continue to love them even though you no longer want to live together.
Most important of all, do make sure they understand that the split is not their fault. Very often a break up in a relationship comes after months of quarrelling – and it's common for the children to become pawns in that situation with the parents disagreeing with each other on how the child should be brought up and disciplined. The memory of all these quarrels stays with such offspring - and they often grow up believing that they were somehow responsible for the break-up of their home.
Finally, during this traumatic time while parents are splitting up, it's a good idea to make sure that each child who is affected has an adult of his or her own with whom they can discuss what is going on and how they're feeling about it. Aunts, uncles or grandparents are possibilities. But relatives are only helpful if they don't take sides about the break-up. Other than a relative, a schoolteacher can be a good alternative, or a minister of religion, or a counsellor.
If the child is of school age, it is vital to tell the school that their parents are splitting up. Children frequently become quite badly behaved at such a time, or lose ground academically, and the teachers need to know what's going on so they can be sympathetic and helpful.
Relate, One Parent Families, Families Need Fathers and the Fatherhood Institute were involved in a huge survey called 'Kids In the Middle'. This has evolved into a national debate on the services provided for separating couples and their children.
Britain’s agony aunts have all signed up to the Kids In the Middle initiative to try and get more help and support for such families – and recently many of them met up with Ed Balls, the Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families.
As a consequence, Gordon Brown has promised a review across the full range of relevant Government services. It is not clear as yet what difference this may make to couples who are separating – and their families. But it is to be hoped that in time there will be useful guidelines, and much more support than there is currently.
New partners
The next thing that happens for many families is that one parent finds a new love.
Of course in many situations, this new love has been around for a while, and may even have been a factor in the breakdown of the relationship.
But the realisation that one parent has a new boyfriend or girlfriend can be an enormous shock to a child.
Another scenario is when the children are living with a lone parent after a divorce or separation – and are just adjusting to that situation - when suddenly this live-in mum or dad meets someone new.
In this case the child has yet another adjustment to make after the initial upheaval. So it's hardly surprising that such a youngster might become clingy, or might resist going to school, or may well have curious tummy-upsets, or even insomnia.
A wise parent will understand that this kind of response from children is perfectly natural. After all:
• their home as they knew it has changed beyond recognition.• one parent no longer lives in the home.
• there is now another grown-up to deal with.
So it's scarcely surprising that the child's behaviour alters.
But a parent who is newly in love – and who may be feeling very blessed and lucky to have found love again – very frequently gets cross and upset with a child who is 'acting up' and appearing to be doing everything possible to sabotage the new relationship. The parent feels vulnerable after the demise of the last relationship and anxious about sustaining a new one, but this should not blind him or her to the very real anxieties that the children are suffering.
If you are experiencing these feelings in this kind of situation, do try to remember that though you have fallen for this new and wonderful person, your child has not. In fact, the chances are that your child is feeling very strange about your new romance – and deeply worried about what it will mean about their own relationship with you, and with your ex.
Try to remember too that children often perceive the new person as a temporary measure. In fact, they often comfort themselves with this thought, so they certainly are not gong to make a tremendous effort to be likeable to your new lover, no matter how important this person is to you.
Once you have become a step-family by introducing a new live-in partner, do make sure that:
• you still have plenty of time with your child without your new partner being there all the time.
• your children still get plenty of opportunities to see your ex.
Of course if your ex has disappeared into the blue yonder and is having nothing to do with the kids, that's a different matter. But even then, it is wise to try to speak well of former spouses – even if you can't stand them. It is also sensible not to try to force the pace in encouraging your child to accept your new partner. Children very frequently form exceedingly good relationships with step-parents, but they do so in their own time – and not to order.
The family with two sets of children
Often nowadays a new family is formed between two adults who both have children living with them - so two lots of youngsters have to learn to share a home and to get on together.
Sometimes, of course, the two sets of kids only meet up at weekends or holidays because one lot lives with another parent much of the time.
Then there are situations where one set of children may be older and possibly living away from home, but return occasionally.
In all of these situations, it really helps if you don't expect too much too soon from anybody in the house!
I have heard new partners say that everything is going to be great because they both have kids under 10 years old and they're all bound to get along! Alas, such optimism is frequently misplaced.
In such a new family there is often trouble about territory. Sometimes the accommodation is crowded and there's not enough space for all the children to have their own room. But do try to make sure that they all at least have their own areas within a room, and that these areas are regarded as private to that individual.
Many kids may well have had their own rooms in a previous house, and it can take a while before they feel settled in the new place. So having somewhere where they can put their toys, books and clothes – and know that no one is going to interfere with these items – is vitally important.
Discipline is another big issue. It's essential that the two adults present a united front. Of course this isn't easy as kids will often try to play one grown-up off against the other.
Try not to rise to this. Just make sure that you and your new partner support each other wholeheartedly in front of the children, even if you need to settle some differences between you when the kids aren't around.
Then there's the question of love. Step-parents often worry that they don't feel they can love their partner's children as much as they love their own. Of course they can't! Not immediately anyway, so this is not something you should feel guilty about. In time you may very well come to love these new children very, very much indeed. But initially all you can do is strive to be fair in your dealings with two sets of children, and also to make a big effort to take a real interest in the children who are not yours by birth.
New baby
It's very natural for two people who love each other to want to produce their own child.
Frequently, a new baby is a very joyous event for the whole family. But it goes without saying that the happy, expectant parents should be acutely aware of the feelings and needs of their existing children at this time. Giving them extra hugs and attention is a very good idea. And involving them every step of the way with the new baby will help them to feel important and useful and excited: a family get-together to discuss names for the forthcoming arrival, for example, can help all the kids to feel part of this new family adventure.
With careful handling, the kids should come to feel very pleased and happy that there's to be a new baby. But if they're not helped though this, they can feel 'second best', or 'in the way'.
Step-parents who have no children of their own
Step-parents who have no children of their own have the advantage of not feeling torn between two sets of kids. But they have the disadvantage of never having brought up children – and frequently they're worried that they haven't a clue how to start!
Some people fall in love with someone who has children but spend their lives wishing that the youngsters would somehow disappear and leave them in peace. This kind of attitude is not just selfish; it's really stupid. And it commonly ruins the very relationship they want to keep so special and intimate.
Other new step-parents are so keen not to be seen as the 'wicked' stepmum or stepdad, that they go over the top in their bid to get the kids to love them by buying them expensive presents and giving them treats every time they meet.
Laudable though it is to try to show kids that you want to love and care for them, most children are very suspicious of these tactics. They have no idea whether the new partner is going to be permanent. And they don't want to be forced to appreciate or love someone.
If you're a new step-parent, you should be aware that your stepchild may believe that loving and accepting you would be disloyal to your partner's ex. In fact, children often feel guilty if they have a good time with a step-parent - and just when you might think that progress has been made, they'll withdraw their smiles and their co-operation. This is awfully hard to put up with, but it doesn't feel quite so painful or personal if you remember the complexity of the child's feelings.
The best thing you can do as a new step-parent is to be genuinely interested in your stepchild and to learn the names of his or her friends and teachers – and to be aware of favourite books, pop groups, television programmes and so on. More than that you cannot do. So don't be pushy - just keep being kind and interested, and in time, the child will come to accept you.
Sometimes this process seems unending. In fact, it may be 10 years before some step-family arrangements really shake down and become comfortable and loving. But persistence pays off. And though many tears may be shed during this period, the rewards are usually great in the long run.
Part-time parents
Many step-family situations do not actually involve having children living with you all the time. You and your partner may have kids who just come at weekends, or in the holidays.
One of the common complaints of this kind of setup is that because the two partners work very hard all week, they would like to relax over the weekends – but they can't because that's when the children come.
If it's at all possible for some of the contact with these children to be made on weekdays so that weekends are not always taken up in this way, then do it.
Quite apart from your needs and feelings, as children get older they very frequently want to be at their main home at weekends, so that they can go out with their mates. Therefore, if the only contact is on Saturdays and Sundays you may well find that the children start refusing to come – and this can cause great problems.
But the other factor to remember is that if you are exhausted by the working-week and then have no time to relax because of visiting children at the weekends, you're likely to get very ratty and very fed up. This can damage your relationship with your partner as well as that with the visiting children.
All of us need some leisure time and some space of our own. So if you are a step-parent and the weekends are a nightmare of activity when all you really want to do is to have a lie-in, and some time to yourself, you should try to discuss this before it becomes a huge contentious issue.
If re-arranging things so that the children don't come every single weekend is impossible, do remember that kids want to have some time with their natural parent without the step-parent being present. This can give the step-parent time to visit friends or to catch up on sleep, but of course the natural parent is on the go the whole time.
If weekends are totally taken up with children, then the two adults should make sure they have some quality time for themselves and each other during the week to make up for it.
The other important issue here is that the children should have space in your home to call their own. If they don't, they will feel like unwelcome lodgers and their behaviour will probably reflect that. But if they have their own space, their own toys and books – maybe their own television – they will feel more at home and they will be happier. They will also amuse themselves some of the time – and then you and your spouse won't be at their beck and call 24 hours a day.
It's not all bad!
As I said earlier in this article, it can take anything up to 10 years for everyone to settle in a stepfamily situation. And the 'settling' process can seem fraught and difficult – and as if it's never, ever going to come right.
But it's not all bad. Gradually people accept individuals – and grow to love them. And wonderful new relationships can be developed.
A stepdaughter may find her stepmother easier to talk to than her own mum. A stepson might use a step-parent to get an important message through to his own dad.
There are plenty of bonuses in being in a step-family. It's just that you have to surmount a lot of obstacles before you notice them!
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