Jewelry On Men Is Not Sexy

The title says it all, really. Unless it’s a watch or a wedding band, I prefer not to see jewelry on a straight man. There are a number of reasons for this, the least of which is not that it completely turns me off. And you should take my usage of the word “completely” literally. It just makes a man seem a bit girlie to me. In today’s day and age, men from all walks of life seem to be dabbling in the flash arena. Having grown up around the mafia, I’ve already reached my quota for how many gold chains and pinky rings I can stomach. Please, do your sex life a favor – retire your bling! Here’s a list of items I hope you'll avoid.

1. Lip rings

These make you look like someone just fished you out of a pond. Am I really supposed to want to kiss you with that?

2. Nose rings

I see these, and the first thing I think about is pierced snot. If that doesn’t diminish one’s libido, I don’t know what does.

3. Prince Albert (genital)

Where do I begin? How about with a great big ouch! Would you really expect me to allow this inside of me? Do you have any idea how embarrassing it would be to have a gynecologist remove it, should it detach whilst inside? Um, no thank you.

4. Necklaces

Unless you’re a pimp or used car salesman, you should not have one of these on. I don’t care if it’s a crucifix. If you want to feel close to Jesus, hang one in your living room. I promise, he won’t be upset if you pull him out of your shirt. He’d probably enjoy the fresh air.

5. Nipple rings

If you have a nice chest, they look alright. But that doesn’t mean I’ll be climbing into bed with you. If you have nipple rings, that means I can’t throw you down and have my wicked way, without possibly ripping them out. Even if you told me not to worry, I would. Not worth the hassle, no thank you.

6. Regular Rings

Weddings rings, yes. Masonic rings? Maybe – but only while you’re at the lodge! Anything else? No. That includes your five-pound High School or College ring. If you own one of these, it will look best in your drawer!

7. Tongue piercings

I was once kissed by someone sporting one of these. He didn’t get a second kiss.

8. Earring(s)

Whether it’s one earring, two earrings, hoops, studs, etc, it does not look sexy on you. Earrings are for girls and drag queens. If you don’t fit into one of these categories, don’t wear them.

9. Eyebrow rings

If you’re some kind of artist, maybe. If you’re a teenager, fine. But, if you’re a full grown man, just say no.

10. Bracelets

Medic bracelet? Yes. Anything else? No. Unless you’re in the mafia, in which case it seems to be a requirement. Go ahead and wear one, I wouldn’t want to see your legs broken.

If you really, really want to wear these items, I suppose you’ll still be able to pick girls up. Just realize you are limiting yourself in terms of what’s available, cos some girls (like me!) will not want to get naughty with you!