Feeling Connected In Relationships Through The Attention

by Gary van Warmerdam

Do you sometimes feel disconnected from your partner? Do you feel that you are drifting apart or not being heard? Listening and communicating is more than just the exchange of words and concepts. We don’t need an umbilical cord to be connected to someone, but we do need to pay attention to create the feeling of being connected. It is with the power of our attention that we build channels of communication, not with what we say.

One of the detrimental assumptions we make in relationships is that we “understand” our partner. In making this assumption, we have stopped listening closely to them. We hear the words or phrases they say and assume that we know what is coming next. Our minds quickly project the story as we see it. We stop paying attention because we have already moved on to the conclusion our mind has come up with.

We might hear their words, but our attention has gone on to forming our reply. By losing our attention to our own thoughts, we no longer have that connection of presence with our partner. That presence is something that is felt as an energetic and emotional connection; our partners can sense when it is there, and when it is not. When we do not listen, our partners lose the feeling of connection that we all yearn for in our relationships. Our partner may start to lose the trust that we are “there” for them in other ways as well.

When we are really interested in what our partners say, we ask questions. We do not comment or give our opinions. We listen by asking questions that explore our partner’s viewpoint and their understanding. It does not mean that we have to agree or propose a solution, only that we listen attentively. Our attention is there with our partner in their world, and not concerned with getting our opinion heard. This dynamic of listening is often genuine and automatic with people who are just getting to know each other. Eager to learn as much as they can, new couples enjoy the energy and emotion in channels of attentive communication.

Later, as we become more familiar with our partners and assume we know them, we might not pay close attention to what they say. This changes the emotional quality of the channel that connects us. The energetic and emotional quality of being present with them is compromised or lost. Women generally notice the changes in communication sooner than men, because they pay more attention to their emotions.

When we assume to know what is being said we don’t pay attention as closely. We are subconsciously sending the message that what someone says is not important. This is sometimes interpreted as, “If what I say is not important, then they must think that I am not important.” This interpretation creates a reaction that closes the channel of communication even further.

Practical steps to open channels of communication

There are many things you can do to strengthen or create channels of communication. When you are listening to someone, refrain from commenting. This will help you pay closer attention to that person and what they are saying. You can relax when you know that you don’t have to come up with a comment for reply. To hold up your end of the conversation, simply limit what you say to exploratory questions.

It may help to think of yourself as a journalist doing an interview. Your job is to ask questions and explore what your partner is talking about. You will likely notice that your mind has comments about what they say. When this happens, notice that you are no longer focused on understanding their communication. You are also no longer present with them and have lost the energetic connection.

You may also find it tempting to speak your comments. Refrain, as this isn’t really listening. When you jump in with your own opinions you are sending the message that what they are saying is less important than your words. When someone is interrupted they often feel put down and disrespected. In order to avoid those feelings they may stop sharing themselves with you.

By focusing your attention differently in relationships, you can redirect the channels of communication between you and everyone you relate with. By changing the channels of communication you change the emotion and way you feel with people in your life. When you practice this it becomes possible to consciously connect with everyone in your life.

As you practice using your attention with awareness you get to determine the quality of emotion in the channels of communication. Then it is only a matter of asking your self, “What do I want to feel in my relationships?”

What can your relationships feel like? Often the most beautiful feelings we experience in relationship happen when no one is talking. There is a lot to be feel with just the power of attention on each other and what we are feeling. The beauty and intensity of connection when two people silently listen to each other transcends words.