Effective Communication

Effective communication plays a key role in academic, professional and personal success. Communication skills are learned and acquired through practice. Effective communication involves multiple components, including non-verbal communication, effective listening skills, knowing how to draw someone out, assertiveness skills, conflict resolution and anger management skills, and sensitivity to communication issues specific to the situation you are in. The Center offers a variety of workshops and programs to help you increase your communication skills. These programs include:

• Project Date Smart: Learn how to choose the right partner, set healthy boundaries, how to deal effectively with conflict, talk about sex, and more. Improve your relationships, and improve your life.

• Assertiveness workshops.
• Work and Leadership Series: Learn communication skills that will help you succeed at work.
• Conflict Resolution & Negotiation Series: Learn how to resolve conflict with intimate partners, parents, advisors, bosses, roommates and friends.
• Friend Express: Learn how to increase you ease in developing and keeping friendships with others.

• Certificate Programs: The Center offers certificates in “Communication Training” and “Conflict Resolution & Negotiation.”

What does it mean to be assertive?

Being able to communicate effectively does not come naturally for most people. Most people need to develop an understanding of themselves and learn assertive skills in order to be assertive. Even people who consider themselves to be assertive have situations or certain relationships in which they find it challenging to be assertive. Even though it takes some time and effort to develop the skills, there is great incentive to learn and practice assertive communication. Interacting with others in an assertive way can have the effect of increased intimacy and more meaningful authentic relationships. Also, behaving and communicating assertively will make it more likely that you get what you want in life.

Assertiveness is about standing up for yourself, believing in your opinions and your right to be heard and getting your needs met. But it is also about respecting the opinions and needs of others. Assertiveness does not mean getting what you want regardless of what other people need or want. It is about valuing yourself and valuing others and believing that you are equal to others – not superior or inferior – and have equal rights to be heard, respected, and to get what you need. Assertiveness is the attitude that “I matter as much as you, and you matter as much as me.” An assertive person stands up for his/her own rights, opinions and needs, but still pays attention to those of other people. Assertiveness is about being neither a doormat nor a steamroller, but rather a respectful and respected person who values his/her own needs as well as those of others.

In addition to reading this section of the website, there are other ways that you can learn assertive communication. The Center for Women & Men has counselors who are happy to talk with you about your specific situation and also role-play assertive communication with you (please see Consultation and Referrals). The Center also provides workshops on Assertiveness and Communication. Please see our Upcoming Events to find out the date of the next workshop. Please also go to the end of this section for other suggestions (please see Where to get more information about assertiveness).

Three different styles – passive, aggressive, assertive

Passive

A person with a passive interpersonal style may be easily intimidated by others and may believe that his/her rights and opinions are not as important as those of other people. Passive people are often shy and have difficulty saying “no” when asked to do a favor. They also tend to be overly courteous and might do just about anything to avoid a fight, argument or disagreement. The passive person may get angry when someone violates their rights, but they aren’t likely to stand up for themselves directly. This may leave them feeling put-upon, taken advantage of, or abused. Passive people may become depressed or anxious because they fear others getting angry with them and feel taken advantage of or used. They may also be well aware of their passive style and become angry with themselves for not being able to stand up for their rights. Some passive people may also become passive-aggressive, that is, they won’t stand up to someone directly, but they’ll talk about them behind their back or do little things to subtly convey their anger and get revenge. They may be intimidated by authority and have a hard time dealing with people in power. Passive people are at high risk for being used or taken advantage of and may rarely get what they want or need. It is important to note that in some situations in which there is potential danger- it is appropriate to behave passively in order to protect yourself.

Aggressive

Someone with an aggressive interpersonal style behaves very differently than the person with a passive style. The person with the aggressive style believes that their rights, opinions and needs are more important than those of others and they may violate other’s rights and boundaries in an effort to get what they want. The aggressive person is essentially sending the message of “I matter more than you do, so get out of my way.” Aggressive people are likely to be demanding, angry, and hostile in getting to their goal and may not realize that they hurt others or violate their rights in the process. People like this may be verbally and/or physically aggressive. Some aggressive people will say that they are just standing up for their rights, but there is a difference between standing up for yourself and walking all over everyone else. Aggressive people are at a higher risk to alienate others through their hostile style or to get into fights and arguments. They also may not get their needs met because they offend others or make others angry which may make others avoid them.

Assertive

The assertive style is the middle ground between being passive and aggressive. The assertive person does not give the message that “You matter more than me” or that “I matter more than you.” Instead, they give the message that “We are equals, both of our needs matter, let’s find a way to get them both met.” The assertive person expresses his/her opinions freely, is not afraid to state his/her requests, and stands up for him/herself when others try to violate his/her rights. But all of this is done in a respectful manner. The assertive person does not demand, but rather asks, does not withdraw, but stands his/her ground. He or she understands that other’s feelings, opinions and rights are important, but does not place them either above or below his/her own.

An example of the three styles

It’s the beginning of the quarter and Jane is waiting in a long line at the bookstore. Just ahead of her another student, carrying a large load of books, steps into line next to his friend.

Passive response: Jane is upset that the other student cut ahead of her, but doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to be rude. Instead, she fumes about it and later tells her friends about this incredibly rude guy at the bookstore.

Aggressive response: Jane yells at the guy, “Hey, you jerk! Can’t you see there’s a line here? What’s your problem – do you think you’re so special you don’t have to wait in line?”

Assertive response: Jane speaks to the other student in a firm, but respectful, tone and says, “Excuse me, but there’s a long line here. I don’t think it’s fair for you to cut ahead when the rest of us have been waiting. Could you please go to the end of the line?”

The benefits of assertiveness

Choosing to be assertive has a number of potential benefits. The first, and probably one of the most important, is self-respect. When you behave in an assertive manner you are sending the message to not only other people, but also to yourself, that you believe your rights and needs are important and deserve to be heard. You are sending the message that you are deserving and worthy of respect. It is respecting yourself and your own needs and stating that you matter. At the same time, you are respecting the needs of others and placing yourself in an equal position, rather than a one up or one down position.

Assertiveness is a means to communicating authentically with others. It can foster closer, more intimate relationships with your loved ones.

Being assertive is also helpful in getting what you want and saying what you mean. When you express your needs and opinions in a firm but respectful manner you are communicating openly and honestly to others that what you want matters, but that you respect their opinions and desires as well. People are more likely to respond to you and be willing to listen or help you get what you want when you express yourself in a reasonable and respectful manner than if you demand things or refuse to express your wants at all.

Assertiveness is also useful in defusing conflict situations. When one person is angry and hostile, responding in an angry and hostile manner is likely to cause things to escalate and get even worse. Responding in a calm but firm manner helps to bring things back down to a rational level and help issues get solved – something a name-calling spree rarely results in. However, it is important to remember that you only have control over your own behavior, not that of others. If someone is looking for a fight, or is just an aggressive personality, they may respond aggressively to you no matter what you do. Similarly, if you have always been a passive person and begin to stand up for your rights, people who are used to taking advantage of you may not respond in the way you would like. But the odds are, if you behave in an assertive manner, you are more likely to get what you want than if you are passive or aggressive.

It is important to remember that assertive behavior is not a guarantee. Just because you are calm, firm and respectful does not mean that everyone else will be too. Chances are, though, when you are assertive you are more likely to get what you want than if you are aggressive or passive. However, there are times when other styles are appropriate. For example, if someone is threatening you and you believe you are in physical danger, a passive approach might provide you with a safer outcome (e.g., a mugger with a gun wants your wallet). On the other hand, aggressive behavior may be necessary to defend yourself. It’s up to you to decide what style is the most appropriate for any given situation, but in most interactions, assertiveness is more likely to be effective than passiveness or aggressiveness.

Gender differences and assertiveness

Men and women in our culture have different socialization experiences and are generally encouraged to behave in different ways. Men are encouraged to be independent and strong, they are taught to go for what they want no matter what and to be focused on results. Women, on the other hand, are often encouraged to value relationships and emotions, to take care of others, and to focus on feelings rather than results. These different socialization experiences can lead men to behave in an aggressive way and women to behave more passively, though there are, of course, many differences within men and women. Some men behave passively, some women aggressively, and many men and women have learned to be assertive.

Men who have always been “go-getters” and are willing to strive for what they want no matter what can benefit from learning to respect others needs and to recognize the effects of their behavior on others. By learning to value others wants and opinions as well as their own, aggressive men can learn to be assertive, which can actually help them get their needs met and improve their relationships.

Women who have been taught to always put others ahead of themselves may find it very difficult to stand up for themselves, express their opinions or go for what they want. They often end up behaving in a very passive manner, deferring to others and taking care of others’ needs before their own. Passive women can benefit from assertiveness because it teaches them to value themselves as equal to others and to stand up for their rights as well as taking care of other people. This can help them to get their needs met and to form more meaningful and authentic relationships.

Guidelines to being assertive

What does it take to be assertive? Assertiveness is essentially about valuing yourself as an equal and standing up for your rights…but that can be a lot harder to do that it sounds, especially if you have a history of being passive and deferring to others or being aggressive and ignoring others needs in favor of your own. Below are some ideas and suggestions to help you in developing assertive behavior.

Think about what you really want: In order to be clear and assertive with others, you need to know what it is that you want. It’s very hard for other people to understand what you’re asking them if you don’t understand it. Think about it – is it that you want your partner to spend more time with you, or that you want him/her to pay attention to you when you are together? Is it that you want your professor to call on you in class, or that you want him/her to listen to your responses when you do speak? Understanding what it is that you want can help you in being precise and specific in stating your needs and in communicating to people what you want.

Be precise and specific: In stating your needs or wants, it’s helpful to tell others (and yourself) exactly what it is that you’re looking for. For example, if you tell your partner “I would like you to ask how my day was when you see me,” it’s much easier for them to understand what you mean and do what you ask than if you say “I want you to care more about me.

Use “I” statements: When you’re expressing your feelings and needs, it’s useful to focus on what you think or want. “You” statements, like “You don’t care about me,” “You never do anything right,” or “You really should do a better job,” can very easily become angry and blaming, putting the other person on the defensive. In contrast, “I” statements, such as “I need to feel cared for,” “I feel like you’re not interested in this job,” or “I would like it if you would spend more time on this,” place the focus on what you think or want, not on what the other person is doing wrong.
Use “Behavior-Effect”: An extension of the “I” statement is behavior-effect feedback. Such statements are modeled on the sentence “When you do _____, I feel _____.” These statements make it possible to communicate to the other person what effect their behavior has on you, without getting into blaming. For example, if your roommate never cleans your dorm room, you might say, “When you leave messes in the room, I feel embarrassed to have friends over.”
Make clear requests and suggestions: You can then extend the behavior-effect statement to what you would like the other person to do, for example, “I would appreciate it if you would put your things away when you’re done with them and do your share of the cleaning.” You can then make suggestions of how that might be done, such as “Maybe we could set up a cleaning schedule so that we’ll be sure to have the room clean whenever visitors come over.”
Use a firm but calm voice tone: Being assertive has to do with communicating in an appropriate voice tone as much as it does with what you say. Speaking in a very low voice or ending every sentence as a question makes you seem passive or not committed to your statement. Speaking too loudly, yelling, or being sarcastic or angry makes you seem aggressive no matter what you’re saying, and can put people off and lead them to feel defensive. But if you speak in a voice tone that is clearly audible, but not yelling, and is firm rather than wimpy or sarcastic, people are much more likely to take both you and what you’re saying seriously.
Avoid demands, blaming, and “shoulds”: When you’re expressing your thoughts, feelings or needs assertively, you’re communicating to people what you think, what you want, and what you would like them to do. There is no place for name calling, demanding that they behave in a certain way or telling them all the things they’ve done wrong. Those types of behaviors just make people feel more defensive and angry and make them less likely to listen to you. Even if someone has done something you didn’t like or that hurt your feelings, you can communicate that without demanding or blaming. For example, if a friend stood you up at the movies, there’s a big difference between saying:

“When you didn’t show up to meet me, I felt really hurt and also worried that something might have happened to you. In the future, could you please let me know if you’re not going to be able to make it?”

AND

“I can’t believe you left me there like that. You are so inconsiderate! What kind of friend are you? Do even care that I stood outside for half an hour waiting for you? What is your problem?”

Although it might release some tension in the moment to rant and rave at the other person, in probably won’t help you get your needs met.
Be factual and avoid exaggerations: This is part of being precise and specific. It’s easier for other people to listen to what you’re saying and take you seriously if you stick to the facts. When people are angry they’re very likely to use words like “always” and “never.” However, it’s very rare that anyone “always” or “never” does anything – there are usually exceptions to any behavior. For example, is it really true that your boss never listens to what you say? Is your partner really always late? When communicating with others, it helps to say exactly what it is that bothers you, rather than letting your anger or hurt feelings lead you to exaggerate.
Clarify rather than assume: If you’re not sure about something, ask. It’s easier to get what you want if you know the whole story. In the example of the friend who missed the movie, you might want to find out why he/she didn’t show up, rather than just assuming that he/she didn’t care and stood you up on purpose. Frequently there’s information we’re unaware of; try to find out what it is before you blame someone.

Take responsibility: In learning to be assertive, it’s important to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors as well. If you’re contributing to a problem, acknowledge it, rather than putting the blame on someone else, and talk to that person about finding a compromise. Remember that no one makes you feel anything, you have feelings about others actions and opinions, but they are your feelings. Own your feelings and when you communicate them, use “I” statements, such as “I feel angry” rather than “You make me so angry.”

Examples of Assertive Behavior

Below are some examples of situations in which you might want to be assertive. Read the situation and think about what an assertive response might be. When you’ve done that, click on the response button and compare your ideas to the responses given. Are you closest to the passive response, the assertive response or the aggressive response? If your ideas fit more with the passive or aggressive response, think about what you might change to be more assertive. If your ideas fit the assertive response, good job! But, are you applying your knowledge of assertiveness to real life? If not, think about how you might change your behavior so that you can act on the knowledge that you have. If you are, keep up the good work and share your skills with others around you!

Situation 1: Assertiveness at Work

You try very hard to get to work on time, but one of your co-workers, Angela, is frequently late. Angela expects you to cover for her with the boss, Miriam, so that she won’t get in trouble. In the past two weeks, Angela has been late for work five times and you’ve had to cover for her. You’re getting really frustrated with the situation and angry with Angela. What do you do?

Situation 2: Assertiveness at School

You have a group project to do for a class that you really like. The professor is one you’re hoping to work with and you want to impress him. The other people in your group, however, are not as interested in the class and just aren’t putting in the effort on the project that you’d like. You have to turn in the paper in two weeks and you’re getting really worried about whether or not it will be done on time and how good it will be. What do you do?

Situation 3: Assertiveness with family

It’s the end of the quarter and you’re really busy and stressed out. You get a call from your mother telling you that she and your younger sister are coming into town on Thursday because your sister is thinking about applying to UCLA. She wants to you to meet them for dinner on Thursday and then show your sister around campus on Friday. You’d like to, but you have a big exam Friday morning and a paper due on Monday and don’t know if you have the time to spend with your family. What do you do?

Situation 4: Assertiveness with friends

Your friend Peter borrowed one of your favorite books three months ago. You know he’s finished reading it and you’d really like to have it back. You’ve asked him twice to return it and he said he would, but he still hasn’t brought it back. What do you do?

Situation 5: Assertiveness and dating

You’ve been out on three dates with Jamie and though you think Jamie is very nice, you’re just not interested. Jamie, on the other hand, seems to be very interested and keeps calling you, asking you to go out again. You really don’t want to, but you don’t want to hurt Jamie’s feelings either. What do you do?

Situation 6: Assertiveness and protecting yourself

You’re out on a date with someone new. You’ve had a great time with this person and really enjoyed the evening and are thinking that you’d like to see him/her again. Your date invites you back to his/her apartment to show you a picture he/she was telling you about at dinner. You’re a little nervous about going there alone, but figure it’ll probably be all right, and besides, you really like this person and they seem very trustworthy. When you get to your date’s apartment everything seems fine at first, you keep talking and he/she shows you the picture. Then your date kisses you, which you feel comfortable with, but when he/she tries to take off your shirt, you get uncomfortable, because you really don’t want to have sex yet with this person. You try to move away, but your date holds on to you, trying to get you to stay. What do you do?

Situation 1: Assertiveness at work

Passive Response: Although you don’t like it that Angela is using you as a cover for being late, you really don’t feel there’s anything you can do. You’d like her to stop using you, but you assume that if you talk to her about it, she’ll just get mad and try to get you in trouble with the boss. You swallow your anger and steam in private or tell your friends how horrible Angela is, but you don’t address the situation directly with Angela.

Aggressive Response: The next time Angela’s late to work, you really let her have it. You yell at her and tell her she’s irresponsible and inconsiderate and you think she should be fired. You tell her if she’s ever late again, you’ll tell the boss and get her fired.

Assertive Response: The next time you see Angela you ask if you can talk with her for a minute. You tell her that although you understand it’s hard to get to work on time, you’re feeling used and annoyed because she expects you to cover for her. You tell her that you can’t cover for her anymore and that you’d appreciate it if she could either be on time to work or find some other way to deal with her lateness.

BACK TO SITUATION 1

Situation 2: Assertiveness at school

Passive Response: You try to do as much of the work on the project by yourself as you can. You stay up late at night working on it, but don’t say anything to your group members, though you’re snappish and unpleasant to them when you do see them. When you turn in the project you tell the professor that you did all the work and your group members really slacked off, but you don’t say anything to them (passive-aggressive response).

Aggressive Response: You send all of your group members a nasty email telling them that they’re lazy and slacking off and you’re tired of doing all the work because this class is really important to you. You tell them that if they don’t get their butts in gear and do their share of the project, you’re going to go to the professor and make sure they fail the class.

Assertive Response: Next time you meet with your group you tell them that this class is very important to you and you want to get a good grade. You communicate that you feel you’ve been doing more than your fair share of the work and that you need for them to do their parts of the project.

Situation 3: Assertiveness with family

Passive Response: You don’t say anything to your mother about all the work you have to do and just agree to meet them for dinner and take your sister around campus the next day. You’re really worried and anxious about your test and your paper though, and are withdrawn at dinner and snappish with your sister the next day.

Aggressive Response: When you talk to your mother you get angry with her and yell at her about all the work you have to do and how could she possibly expect you to drag your little sister around campus. You tell her she just doesn’t understand what you’re going through at school and if she really did she wouldn’t be so unreasonable putting more pressure on you.

Assertive Response: When you talk to your mother you tell her that you’d really like to spend time with her and your little sister, but you have a big test on Friday and a paper due on Monday. You ask her if they could come up the next weekend to look at the campus, when you’ll have more free time. If they can’t, you make plans to meet for a short dinner Thursday night before you go back to studying and decide that your mother and sister will walk around on campus without you on Friday. You offer to take your sister on a personal tour on another weekend.

Situation 4: Assertiveness with friends

Passive Response: You’re upset with Peter, but don’t say anything to him because you don’t want to hurt his feelings or get him angry with you. You figure you can always buy another copy of the book.

Aggressive Response: You start bad-mouthing Peter to all of your friends and the next time you see him you present him with a bill for the book and tell him what an inconsiderate jerk he is.

Assertive Response: The next time you see Peter you tell him that you really need to have your book back. You say that you’re beginning to feel angry that he says he’ll return it but then doesn’t bring it in to you. You ask him if it would be easier if you came by his place to pick it up.

Situation 5: Assertiveness and dating

Passive Response: You screen your phone calls and don’t answer the phone when Jamie calls. You never return the calls and avoid Jamie whenever you see him/her on campus.

Aggressive Response: The next time Jamie calls you give it to him/her straight. You tell Jamie that you’re just not interested, and you’re sick of him/her calling all the time and being such a pathetic wimp. You tell Jamie that it shouldn’t be that hard to recognize when someone’s not interested and he/she should just stop calling and leave you alone.

Assertive Response: You call Jamie and tell him/her that although you think he/she’s a nice person and a lot of fun to be around, you just think that you are a good match and you don’t want to continue dating.

Situation 6: Assertiveness and Protecting Yourself

Passive Response: You don’t want to have sex with your date, but you also don’t want to hurt his/her feelings, so you let him/her touch you, even though you feel uncomfortable with it. After a while, you say that you really have to go and leave; you avoid this person from then on.

Aggressive Response: You yell “No!,” shove your date off of you and run out of the apartment. (Note: this could be a perfectly appropriate response if your date is trying to sexually assault you. Please see the sections on Sexual Violence and Self-Defense for more information.)

Assertive Response: You say, in a firm and clear voice, “Please stop touching me and move away from me. I like you and want to continue to see you, but I’m not ready to go farther than kissing.”

Where to get more information about assertiveness

As was stated previously, becoming assertive requires learning skills as well as getting to know yourself. There are many ways to achieve these goals on the UCLA campus. The Center for Women & Men has counselors who are happy to talk with you about your specific situation and also role-play assertive communication with you (please see Consultation and Referrals). The counselors can also provide recommendations for good books that are helpful in the road to becoming assertive. The Center also provides workshops on Assertiveness and Communication. Please see our Upcoming Events to find out the date of the next workshop.

UCLA also has a Health Education Department through the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness Center that is designed for the growth and development of students. They provide ‘Life Skills’ classes (for academic credit), which assist students in their own interpersonal and personal development. Communication and assertiveness are discussed in these courses. For more information please go to the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness website and click on Health Promotion.