Discipline For Different Ages

Discipline is about teaching and learning, so think about what is the best way to achieve this given your child's age, understanding, and needs. There are several other topics that also look at discipline in the 'Related topics' list.

Babies (0-1 year old)

• It is a waste of time and likely to be harmful to use any kind of discipline on babies. They are unable to think ahead, understand reason or remember what you want. Instead, prevent damage (remove things) and prevent danger (remove your baby).

• Gentleness, loving touches and words are as important as feeding and clothing babies. They need to learn that the world around them is friendly and protective and that they can trust you.

• Whatever your baby does, it is not to 'get at' you.

Crawlers and toddlers (1-3 years)

At this age children are full of life and curiosity. They learn through touch and trying things out, and this often means making dirty messes or using things in the wrong way. They want to do things their own way and say "no" as they learn to be separate individuals. They often get frustrated because they want to do more than they can.

• Teach and show your child new skills with patience and praise.

• Keep it simple - one 'new' lesson at a time.

• Distract them by giving them something else interesting to do. Rather than "Don't touch the TV", try "Here's that favourite book of yours."

• Talk in a positive way instead of a negative one, eg. "Hold the cup with two hands" instead of "Don't spill your drink!"

• Avoid battles, particularly with eating and toilet training. Children will eat what they need if given a choice of healthy foods (unless they are ill). Do not spend energy scolding when it is possible to divert the storm by saying "You've had enough? OK, let's get you down from the high chair."

• Where possible give two choices (more are likely to confuse) so that children can make some small decisions of their own, eg. "Do you want to wear the blue or brown socks?"

• Toddlers cannot yet respond to consequences by changing behaviour, but you can repeat and show skills together, eg. "When we make a mess we help clean it up." You will need to repeat this if it happens again - "Remember when we make a mess what do we do?"

• Toddlers do not understand punishment and can react with fear or defiance rather than learning. Stop them by interrupting what they are doing, talk softly but firmly, and provide some distraction.

• Pick your child up when she won't come, lift her to safety if she's in danger, and hold her until she calms down.

• Whenever you can, set things up for her to want to do what you want her to do, eg. "Let's see if you can pick up the toys and put them in the box before I make your bed", rather than "I want you to put your toys away now."

• The more your toddler feels competent, in control and able to manage, the calmer and easier to manage she will be.

Preschoolers (3-4 years)

By three to four years children will be able to understand most of your instructions and be able to foresee the results of many actions. They are usually able to begin to share and play socially with others. Children at this age are easily excited, like to be in control, and can sometimes be bossy. Expect some 'showing off' and silliness, for this is an age of copying others, finding fun in being shocked and trying out new words (including swear words if they have heard them).

• If your child has reached this age feeling that you are loving and approving, he will, most of the time, want to please you and will behave as he knows you would like.

• On the other hand, if he reaches this age feeling you are overpowering, demanding and not 'on his side', he may find it difficult to do the things you want because he can never please you.

• Your child needs to learn that there is no point in making a scene or nagging to get what he wants, and that you will stand firm once you have said "No".

• Think before you say "No", but be sure you mean it. If under pressure you say something that later you realise is wrong, it is important to apologise and explain why you changed your mind.

• Give alternatives - "You can throw your ball but not your teddy."

• Consequences need to be short or they lose their meaning, eg. "If you leave your toys out I will put them away until after tea" or "If I have to pick up your toys we won't have time to go to the park."

• The easier you make it to please, the more likely your child will try.

• Notice and praise when he is doing what you want. Pay more attention when your child behaves well than when he's troublesome.

• Plan activities for letting off steam.

• Explain and show how to do what you want, eg. "When we see a friend we are polite, so I would like you to say 'Hello Mrs Jones'". Some children may not understand what they have to do if you just say, "Be polite".

• "No" should be a word you use very little.

Children of primary school age (5-12 years)

Children need parents to explain to them about adult behaviours and feelings, and why you react as you do. They understand much more about themselves but are still trying to sort out the good bits from the bad bits. They can often go through periods when they are very quiet and good, or very restless. They learn the difference between truth and fantasy. They learn about keeping to rules and not cheating. They learn to see things from another's point of view.

The basis of discipline is still in wanting to please you, and this can only happen if your relationship is good and your expectations are reasonable for your child's age. As they get older they will start to do this because it is 'right'.

• Always remember to teach what you want your child to do and give choices.

• Talk with your child about a wide range of topics. Listen to his views and be willing to discuss differences of opinion rather than forcing your ideas on him.

• Children at this age can understand and accept consequences. If your child shares in making some of the rules and the consequences for when they are broken, he will begin learning what self-discipline is all about.

• If a rule is broken, the consequence should follow.

• Try to be in step with other parents who have children the same age. If you are too far away from what most parents do, you will have difficulty getting your child to cooperate.

• Give privileges for good behaviour - children love being given a bonus, eg. "Gosh, you've tried hard this week to keep your room tidy - what about staying up an extra hour on Friday night?"

• Teach your child how to work out ways to solve problems. This is a useful skill at this age and an important step towards learning self-discipline.

Reminders

• Children need discipline.

• Discipline is about teaching and learning.

• Discipline works best when you have a good relationship with your child.

• Plan to prevent problems when you can.

• Discipline includes rules and consequences. Decide on a discipline plan ahead of problems.

• Don't make consequences so long or harsh that they lose their meaning.

• You can discipline without using physical punishment.

• Talk to other parents about their rules.

• Spend energy on the really important things and learn to overlook minor irritations.

• Think about what you expect - is it reasonable?

• Few parents enjoy being in the company of angry, frustrated, crying children. Think about what you can do differently.