Being A Parent

Becoming a parent is one of the most important and difficult things you can do, as well as one of the most rewarding. However, there is no instruction manual for all the things you will face. To raise a child is a huge responsibility which is usually taken for granted - many people assume that no special training is required. Most parents learn as they go, influenced by the way they were brought up, or by what they have read or watched others do.

Parenting styles may be different but we all share a common goal. We want our children to turn into healthy, happy, well-adjusted, successful, honest, caring, responsible adults who will be respectful of others feelings and property, be able to get along with others and be able to cope with difficulties!! It is a lot to ask. Your children and your community rely on you to do this well.

Your feelings

• One of the most important things in parenting is your own attitude to it. Do you like it, do you feel scared about it or are you thoroughly enjoying it?

• As a parent you will experience a range of emotions which are all normal and yet which can make you feel like you are on a roller coaster ride.

• You will feel love, joy and pride but also more frightening emotions which can be very strong, such as anger, panic, despair and hatred.

• Often parents feel that they are not appreciated by their children or valued by others. Such emotions can leave you feeling guilty or thinking you are not a good parent.

• Most parents at some time feel tired and upset and question what it is all about.

• It is important to remember you're not expected to be perfect and that all parents feel that they have made mistakes at some stage.

Making parenting easier

Find out what you don't know

• Be informed about how children grow and develop.

• Recognise that you can do things differently.

• Be strong enough to say you don't know how to do some things.

• Be big enough to ask for information or advice.

Trust yourself

• Everyone has their own ideas about parenting and sometimes it's easy to become confused or to feel not good enough.

• Listen to other people's ideas (this is how we all learn) but do what feels right for you and your children. Trust your own judgement.

Value yourself

• You are doing an important job. Be proud of the efforts you have put in through the day, no matter how small the tasks.

• When talking to friends about parenting, don't moan and groan, because this won't change things - try new approaches.

• Never forget how important parenting is.

Look after yourself

• Remember you are a person as well as a parent.

• Be careful not to expect too much of yourself and of others.

• Enjoy your own special talents. Praise yourself for simple things.

• Don't dwell on mistakes (mistakes are for learning from, not for making you feel bad).

• Try to find things to look forward to.

Accept your feelings

• Understand that mixed feelings are normal. At times of stress or changes in your family, you can be swamped with a range of emotions.

• Sometimes you may feel miserable or guilty. At these times it is important to reach out - speak to your partner, to your friends, to family members or to someone not caught up in the emotion.

Reward yourself

• Do at least one thing a day that makes you feel good.

• Ask someone to help so you can have 'time out' to do whatever you feel like doing even if it's 30 minutes - have a bubble bath, read a magazine, kick a football, go for a walk, talk to a friend.

Talk to yourself

• The way in which you talk to yourself matters. If you say "My child is trying to get at me" or "Why should I put up with this?" you will react very differently than if you say to yourself "What's happening to my child to make him behave like this?"

• Often you can change a situation by just changing the thoughts in your head.

Work out your own values

• Clear values and beliefs are very important in forming the basis of a good foundation to raise children.

• Try to reach some common agreement with your partner if you have a difference of opinion. A shared and clear understanding of parenting is less confusing for your child.

• If you and your partner differ, try not to put each other down.

Get support

• Parenting is so hard to do without help from others. If you feel alone and can't find support within your family, find someone to talk to about your concerns.

• Don't be afraid to ask for help - it is not a sign of failure - it is the smart thing to do. You will often find that others feel the same as you.

Sorting and fixing

• Being a parent is hard enough when everything is going well around you, but so much more difficult when things are going wrong in other areas of your life.

• If you have violence in your home, money difficulties, ill health, arguments with neighbours or hassles at work, try to sort out the problem.

• Avoiding doing something about it will only make things feel worse for you. This may mean that, for the first time in your life, you need to seek advice from a professional if you have no success in sorting it out within your family.

• In South Australia you can get support and new ideas about being a parent by contacting the Children, Youth and Women's Health Service Parent Helpline on 1300 364 100, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Take care of your relationship

• One of the best things you can do for your children is to look after your own needs for support and love.

• Your closest relationship will probably be with your husband or wife or partner, but it may be with a special friend.

• Make regular time for your adult relationship where you can be alone together, do things you enjoy together, talk over the day's happenings, share ideas and feelings and just relax. These times are really important to clear up any misunderstandings and one of the very best gifts that you can give to your children.

• Children learn about relationships by what they see happening with the people around them.

Managing anger

• There are times in all parents' lives when they feel very angry. Most of the time parents manage to handle it successfully, but sometimes the anger can be in danger of getting out of control.

• Anger is always mixed with another feeling such as guilt, frustration, sadness, feeling unwanted or feeling used.

• Try to do something about whatever is causing the underlying feeling.

• Work out when you are most likely to lose your cool and plan to do something different at those times, eg when you first get home from work.

• Get to know your own body signs when anger is building up and act before you lose your temper. Get some space ... go outside, go for a walk or a run. If you have very young children and no one to mind them take them with you.

Note: If you have lost control and hurt your child or have been violent to others in your home it's important to get help.

Reminders

• Parenting is forever, so make the foundation solid.

• Find out about child development so you know what to expect.

• Parenting is like a marathon run - so pace yourself.

• As a parent you are the most influential person in your child's life.

• Mistakes only matter if you keep repeating them.

• Don't waste time and energy feeling guilty - change what you are doing.

• Seek help from others, but keep on believing in yourself.

• If you have a problem with anger or violence, get help.