Attention And Love: Women Give Sex To Get Attention-Men Give Attention To Get Sex!

Alice Aspen March

How true is that?

I was recently going through my office files and came across this sentence. It literally stopped me from turning the page. I wondered: Is it that simple?

Sex is all about connection, communication, intimacy or, at least, that?s what I believe. And positive, honest attention creates connection, communication, intimacy. Love is a lot more than just sex. Love is quality attention in action. It?s more than words; it?s about feelings also. You just can?t tell someone you love them; they have to feel loved.

But how did I discover that? In a round-about-way, really. I had to. I was totally terrified, when I discovered that my youngest son was doing drugs and realized that he could die! That was heavy. The only thing I thought I could do was to go looking for the role I played in his dysfunctional behavior.

First, I decided to become the neighborhood mom with the car, the refrigerator, the ear, the space. That was good, and it still didn?t stop him from hanging out with his friends and smoking. And I watched, listened and went looking for clues as to why, when I had spoken about drug use for years with his two older brothers, he was the one who chose the drug culture. It took me two years, until I had an epiphany over the word attention; I decided that was a clue from the Universe and went looking everywhere for anything I could find about that word. I?ve been driven to discover as much as I can about attention, what it does, why it does it, how you get it, and how you give it.

First – the word – it?s a mainstream word. We use it in speech every day; we see it and hear it in the media all the time. However, it seems to have only one meaning: Look Here, Be Here, and Listen Here: Pay attention; Give me your attention; Stand at attention.

The only real places I could find the word attention were connected to Attention Deficit Disorders.

But the more I read, the more I began to see a picture of certain behaviors which made a difference in peoples? lives. I covered every modality I could to see where that word attention showed up in the bibliographies. I looked into books from the fields of sociology, psychology, physiology, medicine, law, health and fitness, child development and parenting. I soon saw an emerging pattern from which I created a body of work I call The Attention Factor®. Best of all, my son, Jonathan, told me that I saved his life with my work. Jonathan needed a certain kind of attention from me that I hadn?t realized, because I didn?t know what kinds I needed. I had a lot to learn!

So, essentially, after working on the needs of people for the past twenty years, today, I believe we're in the middle of a pervasive social attention deficit ( SAD) that affects every one of us, our society and our environment everywhere.

We all want and need attention. Research has demonstrated that it?s our core need. As a woman, I write from a feminine point of view. Historically we women are gatherers. We need to feel included, visible, connected, respected, and valued for who we are, and not what we do. We need this from everyone, especially our partners. When we don?t get the specific kind of attention we need, we feel so bad that we do things that turn out not to be in our best interest. That?s when affaires show up! So women give sex, using their physical and emotional bodies, to get attention, and often feel horrible about it afterwards. We constantly hear about women who feel degraded, ashamed, unworthy because they get little or nothing in return for giving so much of themselves. Young girls who were sexually abused early are made to feel it was their fault culturally, and they spend most of their adult lives in pain, trying to exorcise feeling dirty.

On the other hand, men traditionally have been the hunters; they need to stalk, watch, plan, play, so giving their attention to a woman can be a game for them to get what they want: sex. And, of course, afterwards, they sometimes don?t even call us up!!! I just wonder if this is the only way some men can get the attention they need to feel close to someone.

This subject of sex is far from simple; it?s very complex, and we need to explore it personally, in schools, in mental health centers, in healthy families. Peoples? truths must be told and supported. People?s vulnerability needs to be respected and honored. Communication which grows out of a safe, respectful, inclusive environment is the key to talk about all of these issues with each other, with our kids, with our partners. Healthy relationships are all about recognizing the kind of attention each person needs and wants. Each of us has to determine first our very own needs. Let?s start listening and talking.