8 Secrets To Lasting Love

1. How do I know genuine love when I find it?

There are two stages of love we experience as we develop into great partners - learning love and genuine love.

Learning love is about repeating lessons until you get them right. Sometimes you have to make the same mistake many times before you learn that it just doesn't get you what you want. When you're in this stage, you draw people into your life to learn what only they can teach you.

Doesn't sound like much fun, does it? Who wants to spend time learning when there is genuine love to be had? But learning love is a necessary step in your quest for that genuine love.
Only when you learn the ultimate lesson of learning love can you move on. It's a simple lesson, but maddeningly hard to master.
Here it is: You are the creator of your life. Gain true understanding of that and you'll see your genuine love flourish.

And don't assume you have to get rid of your current relationship just because you're in the learning love phase. You and your partner can eventually reach a point where you are ready for genuine love. Honest, committed, kind and appreciative love. Where each person has the freedom to find their way to creative expression without threatening the relationship.

Many couples make the transition from learning to genuine love together!

2. How do I deal with my jealousy?

Here's the interesting thing about jealousy. As real as it feels, it doesn't exist. I've never seen anyone get rid of jealousy by approaching it as jealousy.

You have to get jealousy where it lives - in the underlying fear and control. Look the word up in the dictionary and you'll see it in black and white. Fearful of losing affection or being supplanted, often when we're vigilantly guarding something, or someone -- fear and control.

Now, you might not feel afraid. You might feel mad, but anger is just a magnification of fear. The fear you feel about losing your partner is reflected in your anger at him for talking to that pretty other woman all night. Or the fear you feel about not getting some time with your partner is reflected in your anger that she took on yet another commitment.

Once you understand what's happening, releasing yourself and your partner from the grip of jealousy is quite simple. First, find out what you're really afraid of. If you're feeling angry, you'll need to calm down to the point of feeling your fear.

The second step is to express the fear. Tell someone - preferably the object of your jealousy - what you fear. Saying, I'm afraid of losing your love, is the fastest, least painful way to go.

3. My partner says I complain too much!

Complaining is one way to change your partner. But it's very slow, and not very effective. So you're going to have to do a whole lot of complaining to get what you want. And even then, it might not work.

Not exactly the secret to a lasting love

You'll be a lot more successful if you try appreciating instead. It's better than criticism, threats, sarcasm or any other motivational tool. And it works.

To appreciate people all you have to do is say what you like about them, or what they've done for you. You don't have to stop feeling critical, or even stop wishing they'd change. You just need to stop talking about it all the time. And you'll see some pretty quick results.

Appreciating will put you in a good mood, so you're less bothered by your partner's bad habits. Second, it puts your partner in a good mood, too - it fosters self-esteem. You'll get less troublesome behavior. You'd respond the same way, too.

But you're probably thinking, that's it? I just express appreciation for my partner for no reason? Tell him what I like about him out of the blue?

Yes, that's about it. And here are a couple of hints to get you going: Men like their appreciation in chunks. Keep it short and simple. Women like theirs in a longer narrative, with lots of good attention to detail.

4. I worry I've chosen a partner who makes me feel bad?

Ever notice how your partner can really push your buttons? What is it about him or her? Well, you chose your partner, and you were attracted to them for that very reason.

We're drawn to people who evoke our most ancient feeling memories. Some of them are good. And that's nice. But some of them aren't. And that, needless to say, isn't so nice.

If we had a parent who ignored us, we'll pick a partner who does likewise and feel wronged and neglected. We overreact emotionally and feel justified in doing so. It's wrong to ignore people, we think. In fact, we can't even imagine that everyone doesn't feel the way we do. But the truth is that our reaction, our immediate emotional response, isn't based on our partner's behavior. It's based on our past.

Now that doesn't mean our partner may not be ignoring us. It just means the fact that you want to pull your hair out and run screaming for the door is your issue. People who aren't triggered by being ignored can say, hey, pay attention; I'm telling you something important.

So be glad when your partner pushes your buttons. You've just discovered a childhood wound you can heal through your relationship.

5) Should my marriage always come first?

Marriage works best when it's given higher priority than any other relationship in either partner's life. Let me repeat that last part -- any other relationship in either partner's life.

That means relationships with friends, your family of origin and even your own children come second. We believe children come second to marriage, but we also believe putting each other first is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids.

No child can meet an adult's need for intimacy. If you put children first, you're giving your kids a job where they're doomed to fail. And that's a huge burden. When you put your children first, you're also neglecting your marriage and counting on your children to make you happy. If the marriage fails, a child will still feel responsible for your happiness, or more likely your disappointment and sadness.

So protect your children and all your other relationships, by making marriage your primary relationship.

6) Do men and women have sex for the same reasons? We often think the reason men have sex is physical and for women it's emotional. The truth is that the experience is physical and emotional for men and women.

Men love intercourse. Why shouldn't they? They enjoy the physical satisfaction and the emotional connection that it offers. But intercourse can also be a source of stress for men. First it requires stamina, so he needs to be reasonably fit. He has to obtain and maintain an erection for a reasonable amount of time. And men worry that their penises just aren't right - not long enough, wide enough, thick enough. Men feel responsible for their pleasure and their partner's pleasure.

Women have a different experience with intercourse than men. While most men have a very good chance of achieving orgasm, with most women it's less of a sure thing.

In fact, intercourse isn't usually a very efficient way for a woman to have an orgasm - not impossible, just inefficient. Sex can also create anxiety for women. They worry they won't be able to achieve satisfaction "in time" before the man does.

7) Why has our sex life been so disappointing now that we are parents?

Since you've become parents, you've probably noticed that everything has changed. There is great joy in your new life, but there are also a few things getting in the way of your desire for sex and the timing of it.

With a newborn, if you are a nursing mother, your breasts are no longer your own. Once an important part of your sensual experience, they are now full-time milk producers. Your hormones are haywire. And you're exhausted.

No matter how old your children are, often a good nap may sound more appealing than lovemaking.

But there's no need to stop sex because of these demands on your time and body. Accept that you're tired and find a lovemaking position that's really comfortable for you. Let your partner do the work so you don't get further exhausted.

Devote a little time to your sexual self-esteem and self-image. Yes, as a mom, your body has changed, and your priorities have shifted. That doesn't mean you have to lapse into the frumpy mom routine. You're a mother, but you're still sexy. Believe it and look like it, even if it's only once or twice a week.

Get back in shape. You're bending and lifting a lot these days. Lifting up or running after your little one can be part of your work out, but make time for yourself for a real workout too. You'll feel better about your body and a desire for sex will flow back into your life and you become stronger.

Make time for your love life. It may seem like every moment is taken up by your child, but you can still make room for your relationship. A babysitter can give you time out together. And you can also hire a sitter to take the kids out, so you can have time together ... in bed.

Be patient with yourself after you have a child, but be persistent in your desire to reconnect with your mate. Your sex life and your relationship are worth it.

8) Will I continue to have a sex life as I get older?

There is most certainly sex as you age. The older you get, the better sex can get for you. Because confidence and self-awareness come with age - both are necessary for satisfying sex. So take advantage of what you've got going for you.

Earlier decades may have been about devoting yourself to meeting other people's needs. You've likely cared for a child along the way, supported your partner, kept a house and been a contributor at work.

Some of those things may continue, but you can now afford to take more time for yourself. On a practical level, the older you are, the less you have to worry about young children in the house, or birth control. So it's time to make sure you experience all the pleasures that life has to offer.

I urge you not to see aging as a loss. You have learned so much. Accept pleasure, search for it and embrace it. Try new sexual techniques. This makes sex more exciting and increases your desire. Be adventurous, explore what feels good and allow yourself to enjoy anything that does.

4) I worry I've chosen a partner who makes me feel bad?

Ever notice how your partner can really push your buttons? What is it about him or her? Well, you chose your partner, and you were attracted to them for that very reason.

We're drawn to people who evoke our most ancient feeling memories. Some of them are good. And that's nice. But some of them aren't. And that, needless to say, isn't so nice.

If we had a parent who ignored us, we'll pick a partner who does likewise and feel wronged and neglected. We overreact emotionally and feel justified in doing so. It's wrong to ignore people, we think. In fact, we can't even imagine that everyone doesn't feel the way we do. But the truth is that our reaction, our immediate emotional response, isn't based on our partner's behavior. It's based on our past.

Now that doesn't mean our partner may not be ignoring us. It just means the fact that you want to pull your hair out and run screaming for the door is your issue. People who aren't triggered by being ignored can say, hey, pay attention; I'm telling you something important.

So be glad when your partner pushes your buttons. You've just discovered a childhood wound you can heal through your relationship.

5) Should my marriage always come first? Marriage works best when it's given higher priority than any other relationship in either partner's life. Let me repeat that last part -- any other relationship in either partner's life.

That means relationships with friends, your family of origin and even your own children come second. We believe children come second to marriage, but we also believe putting each other first is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids.

No child can meet an adult's need for intimacy. If you put children first, you're giving your kids a job where they're doomed to fail. And that's a huge burden. When you put your children first, you're also neglecting your marriage and counting on your children to make you happy. If the marriage fails, a child will still feel responsible for your happiness, or more likely your disappointment and sadness.

So protect your children and all your other relationships, by making marriage your primary relationship.

6) Do men and women have sex for the same reasons?

We often think the reason men have sex is physical and for women it's emotional. The truth is that the experience is physical and emotional for men and women.

Men love intercourse. Why shouldn't they? They enjoy the physical satisfaction and the emotional connection that it offers. But intercourse can also be a source of stress for men. First it requires stamina, so he needs to be reasonably fit. He has to obtain and maintain an erection for a reasonable amount of time. And men worry that their penises just aren't right - not long enough, wide enough, thick enough. Men feel responsible for their pleasure and their partner's pleasure.

Women have a different experience with intercourse than men. While most men have a very good chance of achieving orgasm, with most women it's less of a sure thing.

In fact, intercourse isn't usually a very efficient way for a woman to have an orgasm - not impossible, just inefficient. Sex can also create anxiety for women. They worry they won't be able to achieve satisfaction "in time" before the man does.

7) Why has our sex life been so disappointing now that we are parents?

Since you've become parents, you've probably noticed that everything has changed. There is great joy in your new life, but there are also a few things getting in the way of your desire for sex and the timing of it.

With a newborn, if you are a nursing mother, your breasts are no longer your own. Once an important part of your sensual experience, they are now full-time milk producers. Your hormones are haywire. And you're exhausted.

No matter how old your children are, often a good nap may sound more appealing than lovemaking.

But there's no need to stop sex because of these demands on your time and body. Accept that you're tired and find a lovemaking position that's really comfortable for you. Let your partner do the work so you don't get further exhausted.

Devote a little time to your sexual self-esteem and self-image. Yes, as a mom, your body has changed, and your priorities have shifted. That doesn't mean you have to lapse into the frumpy mom routine. You're a mother, but you're still sexy. Believe it and look like it, even if it's only once or twice a week.

Get back in shape. You're bending and lifting a lot these days. Lifting up or running after your little one can be part of your work out, but make time for yourself for a real workout too. You'll feel better about your body and a desire for sex will flow back into your life and you become stronger.

Make time for your love life. It may seem like every moment is taken up by your child, but you can still make room for your relationship. A babysitter can give you time out together. And you can also hire a sitter to take the kids out, so you can have time together ... in bed.

Be patient with yourself after you have a child, but be persistent in your desire to reconnect with your mate. Your sex life and your relationship are worth it.

8) Will I continue to have a sex life as I get older?

There is most certainly sex as you age. The older you get, the better sex can get for you. Because confidence and self-awareness come with age - both are necessary for satisfying sex. So take advantage of what you've got going for you.

Earlier decades may have been about devoting yourself to meeting other people's needs. You've likely cared for a child along the way, supported your partner, kept a house and been a contributor at work.

Some of those things may continue, but you can now afford to take more time for yourself. On a practical level, the older you are, the less you have to worry about young children in the house, or birth control. So it's time to make sure you experience all the pleasures that life has to offer.

I urge you not to see aging as a loss. You have learned so much. Accept pleasure, search for it and embrace it. Try new sexual techniques. This makes sex more exciting and increases your desire. Be adventurous, explore what feels good and allow yourself to enjoy anything that does.

From Coaches Gay and Katie Hendricks

Compiled by Jason Vosu

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